Carolyn: My daughter is 12 and with all her heart wants to be a star. She's been in a number of plays through the community playhouse. She has fun but feels bitter about not getting the lead role. She doesn't really have a singing voice, or a knack for dancing. Her acting skills are OK, but she doesn't have presence. And this is her dad saying this.

I don't know how to deal with her bitterness. Some days, it goes beyond disappointment. I want to support her interests, but I feel like she wants me to tell her she's the best performer on the stage, and she's getting robbed.

Single Dad

You're the parent, not the director/teacher/coach. You speak to the quality of her experience - and yours, watching her - but not the quality of her craft. It's not your place to handicap her success, in either sense of the word.

Your job, both as the reigning adult and as the person who loves her in her entirety, knackless dancing and all, is to set her straight on healthy ambition.

Her stardom ambition is hardly rare; the unusual 12-year-old is the one who craves obscurity. The result: cruel math. Every stage, studio, playing field, classroom or gym is packed with would-be stars. The vast majority have to fall short; it's the law of the star jungle. Yet how often do you see only one person leaving these venues happy?

It's the people who can enjoy their pursuits for their own sake, and welcome any recognition as a bonus, who get the most sustainable pleasure from life. So deal with her bitterness by doing what she can't: Look past the star manque, and help her see who she is. Steer her, through specific questions, toward finding her sense of purpose. Does she have fun in smaller roles? What does she like about it, what else has that same effect for her? What does she enjoy, or do well? If starring roles weren't in the cards - hypothetically - what would she do instead?

There's an ulterior motive in this suggestion. To crave attention is to crave the answer to everything, since stardom promises to cross all major anxieties off the list. Of course, it's a false promise; on this, the tabloids are beacons of truth.

If she's feeling lost or low, then it'll be her interests that elevate her, not conspicuous success at them. The love of music drives rock stars, the love of sport drives athletes, the love of attention drives trains off rails.

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